Arizona

As some of you may know, my husband lost his job 5 weeks ago. We've sent out countless resumes, made hundreds of calls, and he even just walked into some places just to see if they were hiring. Sure, there seems to be plenty of places hiring, but none of them are willing to pay wages that a family of four needs to survive on in California.

The great windfall we had in December has dwindled down to nothing. We foolishly paid off debt, started a business, and took our first vacation together as a married couple. We even lived off some of it in the slow winter months when there was little work. Yes, it went quickly, but we figured we had spent wisely and splurged only a little. How were we to know that my husband would abruptly lose his job, and we'd be thrown into poverty? We had no clue that it would be such a terrible time to invest in a business.

Because we have two little girls, we had to find some way to provide for them. After a couple of weeks with no positive job leads, we had no choice but to apply for assistance at Social Services. It took everything I had to not burst into tears when we walked through those doors. I just kept telling myself that our little girls will never remember mommy and daddy not having any money.

Surprisingly, the ladies that work at the Social Services office were pleasant and non-judgemental. They helped to put as at ease, and made us feel that everything would be okay. We thought for sure that within the 24 hours that followed our visit we would be able to buy food for our family, and have a little cash in our pockets while we continued the job search.

Well, so much for getting help from social services. Some little piece of paper we forgot to get last year when my husband purchased his vehicle is preventing us from qualifying. Surely, he'll be receiving an unemployment check soon. Ha! His former boss is contesting it and refusing to pay. So, now we await mediation from the unemployment office. Our phone isn't ringing.

Our overall plan was to exhaust job opportunities in California, then Nevada, Oregon, and then Arizona as our very last resort. Well, guess what? We seem to be fated for Arizona. The wages for the type of work my husband does are actually where they should be, and the cost of living compared to California is almost embarrassing.

We have mixed emotions about moving so far from our families. I have ailing grandparents that I do not want to leave behind. I had hoped that I could be near them for as long as they remain on this earth. Once again, I'm leaving behind everything I know to go somewhere foreign and unfamiliar. However, this time there more lives than my own to consider. This is a huge change for our children and my husband. I have my own family to consider now, and it's terrifying.

Weird

That pretty much sums up how everything feels. Weird. It's weird being 'normal' again. I spent so long being worried and stressed out or depressed that I almost don't know how to function with it all gone. There really should be a handbook on how to adjust to being normal again.

I think what is the most strange, is that sometimes I feel depressed because I have nothing to be depressed about. How friggin' crazy is that??? I'm sure it has a lot to do with the fact that when my life was sad and dramatic, I was given a ton of attention and sympathy. I suppose I do miss the attention. I realize that I need to get to work on more positive attention and work on not needing attention anymore.
I know I'll get over it, and I'm sincerely enjoying life again. I love that I'm no longer trapped in a self-loathing shell that kept me from venturing out of my house. It's just weird is all.

I Can Breath Now

The counseling helped. The medication helped. I can face the real world again. I can finally get up in the morning and look forward to the day ahead of me. My friends no longer seem like the enemy. Thank goodness. I can hardly believe the difference.

Not only am I feeling better, but my family is much happier. Everyone around me was affected by my depression. I know longer have to fight back tears because my daughter wants to know why I'm crying. Now, if and when I cry, I know why I'm crying. There is no longer this inexplicable urge to cry or to be angry. I've shaken myself free of depression's grasp and am actually able to fully enjoy life again. I've even decided to go into business. I'm excited to be taking control of my life, again. It feels good to be happy again, and to truly enjoy the smiles of my little girls.

Another late night...

It's almost 2am, and I can't get to sleep. It has become increasingly difficult for me to fall asleep at night. I'm exhausted and wish I could sleep, but my mind thinks there are better things to do. I want to fall asleep so bad that if I had the ability to cry, I would. If I do end up going crazy, this will have to count as a contributing factor. As soon as I lie down at night, it feels like my skin is crawling. Maybe not quite like that, more like how restless leg syndrome feels, but throughout my entire body. I just feel like I need to be moving or doing something. I went for blood work today to test my thyroid and have a chemistry panel taken. I hope I get some answers soon. I'm sick of feeling like a crazy person, and I want to get back to normal. My family deserves it, and I crave it. Pray for me.

I'm Losing My Mind

I feel like a crazy person these days. I have these overwhelming feelings of paranoia. All of these fears are completely irrational, but I can't help the total panic that washes over me. I even have these visions of terrible things happening, that I have no control over. I'm afraid to leave my house at night despite living in a very safe neighborhood. I keep thinking that my friends don't like me and that they're all mad at me. Every time someone knocks on my front door my heart jumps into my throat because I'm thinking there might be someone posing as a salesperson just so they can gain entry into our house. Fear races through my body if my little girl goes running to the door, shouting 'daddy's home'. I can't pretend we're not home when she does that. I absolutely hate the way I feel, and I think it might have something to do with the medication I'm on. I'm praying that it's something as simple as that. I can't live like this. Living in constant fear is no way to live. I'm thankful that I was on medication that took the edge off of everything, but now I want to be done with it. It has taken the edge off of the fun stuff too, and I can't feel sad for the things I need to feel sad for. I've traded in normal emotions for paralyzing paranoia. I have an appointment on Wednesday to discuss changing my meds. I hope there's a simple answer, and a quick remedy.