June 21, 2007

Postpartum Depression?

I'm not sure that I'm necessarily at that point. I think much of what I'm feeling lately has a lot to do with the weight of issues I'm surrounded by lately. With the health of my mother and grandmother in question, adjusting to life with two children, not sleeping through the night, and just trying to catch up on things like housework, I feel spent. I just want to hold my little girls all day, and do nothing else. I want to worry about nothing else but them. As nice as that sounds, it would be to the detriment of everything else around me. I want to wrap myself in just caring for them and NOTHING else. I don't want to clean, I want to play with my two year old. I don't want to get dressed. I want to sit and cuddle with my newborn, while taking in every detail of her sweet little face. There are days when I feel like it's time for me to take life by the horns again, but with the recent events in my life, (I suppose it's more of the events in the lives of my mother and grandmother) I feel overwhelmed with emotion and responsibility. Today I forced myself to do some house work, and I made a mediocre dinner (that wasn't ready until late). All the while, I'm feeling inadequate as a mother, daughter/granddaughter, and housewife. I'm desperate to 'catch up', and finally get on top of things I've been neglecting, but then that feeling of just wanting to lounge with my children creeps in. Maybe I'm just feeling lazy? Is that what it is? Maybe it isn't any sort of depression, or feeling overwhelmed. Maybe I'm just plain lazy, and looking for excuses to not have to do anything around the house or venture away from it. I did make myself go out yesterday. (It took me 5 hours to pull everything together and actually get where I was planning to go). I went to my mother's so she could spend time with her grandchildren, and I made dinner for the family. Part of me felt that if I were there helping, I wouldn't have to worry so much. Another part of me felt it was a great excuse for not getting anything productive done at home. Was that selfish of me? Going to help my mother simply so I wouldn't have to be accountable for the dishes not being washed? Or not having anything thawed out for dinner at my own home? I just can't shake this overall 'blah' feeling. Sometimes I tell myself that I'll feel better and shake this once I've slept for more than two or three hours in a stretch. I know that staying home doesn't really help the way I feel, but how do you shake it well enough to WANT to leave the house? My husband has tomorrow off, and I'll probably use that time to maybe get some extra stuff done. Perhaps run some errands on my own, without the girls. Just to be alone for longer than a trip to the bathroom or a shower. I sincerely hope that when tomorrow comes, I don't instead stay in bed all day saying 'I need to sleep' as an excuse. Doing so would only cause me to miss out on some wonderful thing we could be doing together as a family and creating memories for my daughters to carry with them forever. I'm hoping my husband will decide that I need to get out of the house and take us somewhere. Or even just send me somewhere. This way I won't have to dig down and find some reserve of strength and make myself do it. OR maybe it would be BEST if I actually did dip into that well of mommy strength, and just quit feeling this blah feeling. I mean, it truly isn't fair for anyone around me to have to be brought down with me. Is it?

2 comments:

Inkblot said...

I hope I can offer you a little advice on the matter. My mother was much like you are now after she had me (the second child of two). She wasn't depressed, or anywhere near it really, but she just wanted to spend all her time with her kids and couldn't really keep up with anything else. When we moved (I was five, my brother was eight), she hoped for a fresh start to get the house in order and make everything perfect again (like she had done before having kids). When that didn't work (all those boxes! she must have been crazy to think it would), she sat down and talked with my father. They decided that it was best for us kids to have their mother's affection and time over a little time with mommy and a lot of time watching her clean house. They also thought about my mom's happiness (and sanity?) and decided it was also best for her to spend the time with her kids. In the end, it was clear that she needed to forget about keeping a spotless house and focus on her children. I can honestly say that it was the right decision for us. The majority of my friends hate their parents as parents and would never dream of thinking of their parents as friends, while my brother and I both love my parents as parents AND as friends. I do think, however, that my mom went maybe a little too far. She didn't always keep up with laundry or dishes or cleaning the bathrooms. These things need to be dealt with for the well-being of your children, but making sure that the living room is cleaning and doing laundry every day are not important. Dusting isn't something you should worry that much about. Focus on your children. Your house may end up a little (or a lot) messy, but your family will be happier because of the connections you maintain. But maybe you should think of implementing a week for spring cleaning every year!

Mama Stina said...

Thanks so much for weighing in on this. It helps to make me feel a little less crazy and a little less guilty.