It Gets Lonely...

I hate nights like tonight. The girls are in bed, and I'm up alone. I've checked the locks on every door and window several times tonight, but I just can't relax enough to fall asleep. I hate it when my husband has to work out of town. I know that it's necessary, and an unfortunate part of being an adult, but it doesn't mean it sucks any less. It pains me to see something amazing that one of our girls has done, and I'm unable to share it with their daddy. He would give anything just to be here every night with his family. So many times I've heard him say, "I can't believe how different our little girl is in only a week. I'm missing so much." It isn't right. Pamela doesn't really notice right now, but Alexis does. She cries for her daddy, and begs for me to call him for her. When she wakes up in the morning she asks "where's daddy?". What kills me the most is when a truck drives by our house. If Alexis hears any trucks, she runs to the door, expecting Daddy to walk through it any second. When he doesn't walk through the door, she begins to scream and cry because she doesn't understand what is taking Daddy so long. I keep these moments to myself, because I know my husband already feels guilty about not being able to be here. Hearing what goes on while he's gone would only make it harder on him. Instead, I smile over the phone, and tell him how wonderful his girls are. I tell him about all the fun stuff that happened, and anything that might be new. There's even times when I don't tell him about new milestones the girls have reached, because when he sees it happen, I want him to feel like he's the first one to glimpse it. Maybe it's wrong, but I just don't think I should be the only one to be able to get excited when the girls do something new. Seeing the excitement on his face brings me back to when I first experienced it, so in a way I'm getting to share a moment with him that we had missed out on earlier. With him gone during the week, I get a feeling for what it must be like to be a single mother. I didn't get married so I could be alone all the time, and it frustrates me to tears. He's my best friend in the whole world, and I feel so fragile when we're apart. That sounds dramatic, I know. It's not something that can be helped right now.
Every time the house creaks or groans, my heart jumps into my throat. I get this panicky feeling that someone is trying to get in, and I immediately start to think of what I might have to do if that's the case. Would I have time to grab the girls and run? If I called the police, would they make it in time? Could I fight off an attacker? When was the last time I told everyone I loved them? Crap. It's just the house settling Stina, you're fine. Now, go check the locks on every door and window again. Just to be safe. Abdon will be home in a couple of days, and you'll feel so dumb for ever worrying. Ugh.
The good news is, we believe firmly that our lives won't be like this for very long. This is temporary. Once life gets back on track for us, we won't have to spend our nights alone, and my husband won't have to miss another moment with his girls. In the meantime, I'm off to build a panic room.